I am beat but never bruised. I have a key without a lock. I am heard but cannot hear. I am fast and slow, yet never move. What am I? - Riddlecafe

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I am beat but never bruised. I have a key without a lock. I am heard but cannot hear. I am fast and slow, yet never move. What am I?

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We are a pair, we shall never be separated. And we shout oh so quietly, for someone special to hear. Yes, only one shall hear our special message. And if he would everyone to hear it, he'll just let our friends say it, as they speak louder than us. Do you know who we are?
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A man walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun, and fires a round nearly missing the man’s ear. The man says thanks, and leaves a tip. Why the water, why the tip?
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It’s ancient China and there are two emperors. As there can only be one emperor, they are about to go to war. They have all their armies and ships ready to fight. However, instead of fighting, they agree to decide the outcome with a philosophical battle where they will each have their best philosopher answer the question: What is the ultimate truth? The philosophers will privately present their answer to panel of judges, who will decide the winner. The first emperor tells his best philosopher the situation, and that he has three months to prepare his presentation. That philosopher doesn’t know the ultimate truth, but works as hard as he can on the problem for three months. Three months later, he still doesn’t know, but it's time to present, so he does his best. He introduces his idea and all the relevant background for three hours, and then finally says, “the ultimate truth is that something is.” He then goes out of the room, while the other philosopher gives his presentation. Three hours later, the first emperor goes to his philosopher, says, “we lost” and offers him a drink, which the philosopher knows is poison because he failed. The question is, what did the other philosopher say?

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